I will kill him myself: Recap of 90 Day Fiance: The Other Way, S02E18
Welcome to your weekly welcome distraction, 90DF: The Other Way, where only Yazan has real problems, and everyone else is not afraid to create them.
It takes a village to raise a child, and an entire village has fled the continent to escape the special needs of Ari. She’s ready to leave the hospital with her son’s foreskin intact, but doesn’t have enough muscle behind her opinion to not return a week later for the snipping. Ari reports that Biniyam insisted, and her family applied pressure too, and Ari felt outgunned.
In the doctor’s office Avi cries, because a doctor is torturing the most sensitive part of his penis, and he hasn’t even properly discovered it yet, which activates Ari’s helicoptering. She’s heartbroken about the circumcision decision, and feels like she made a mistake, and gave in to demands. Biniyam says that Ari doesn’t trust him, while Ari reports back, “Yes, this is accurate. When does my mom arrive?”
Biniyam says that he wants Avi to have the same penis his future friends will have, and the chance to show off his mushroom cap. I believe religion was the rationale last week, since Biniyam is totally pious when he’s not having children out of wedlock, or playing the butt bongos for a living. Ari notes that with Biniyam, it’s always “just one thing,” and he keeps getting his way. When Biniyam asks if she’s angry, she responds “a little bit” and is unsure how they can work things out so they’re both happy, but something tells me it involves one-way airfare.
Jihoon and his bummer bride are headed to the park, so Deavan can point out how different it is from Utah. She says that if she saw a park adorned with tents like the one they’re about to enter, she would assume it suffered a terminal case of the poors, and she’d walk her stroller around it so they don’t hear her cluck of disgust and her rapid clicking of the locks on her diaper bag. In South Korea, it’s just called ‘shade from the sun’ which Deavan doesn’t need, since her doom cloud provides sufficient protection.
They meet Jihoon’s friends, who have apparently gathered to roast him, and Teayang is passed out the whole time, because this kid is the baby everyone wishes they had. These friends basically report that Jihoon has always been an asshole, except for those times when he was a whole ass, and Devan concurs with this sentiment. They’re shocked that at the tender age of 30, Jihoon has begun to consider adulthood, and Deavan says he hasn’t considered it very much, so don’t get ahead of yourself. They ask if she intends to live in Korea forever, and she says, “Like Brittany forever, or like Avery forever? Either way: No.” This is exactly what you expect from a legally married couple, strangling each other through the honeymoon phase.
Teayang needs a diaper change, which Deavan discovers when he whispers in her ear, “Apologies for the interruption, Mother, but I appear to have soiled myself. Will one of you walking individuals please assist me with this issue, before a most foul odor greets our collective senses? My thumbs haven’t developed the dexterity required for this task.”
“BLARG!!!” Drascilla concurs with his sentiment, chewing the edge of the cast-off diaper before throwing it into the street. Team Drascilla for life.
Deavan tells the gathered friends, who are all men, that her primary problem with Jihoon (today) is randoms sending him nudes. His friends are briefly confused, and assume he just subscribes to Suicide Girls or left a Porn Hub tab open, but Deavan says there are hundreds of photos taking up the majority of his phone’s storage space, and she’s worried women are pursuing him like he’s a celebrity in Nigeria.
His friends try to assure Deavan that Jihoon doesn’t have the organizational capabilities required to secure a bus pass, let alone govern a torrid affair, so she should stop it already and sleep sweetly knowing that her child has traversed the obstacle of their gene pools and is answering riddles in his dreams. Deavan interprets this as Jihoon’s friends covering for him, because she’s been checked out of this relationship since before her plane landed.
“I don’t know what to say. I’m flattered,” Teayang reports. “Tell me, what do you know about quantum physics, without referencing any documentaries produced by cult leaders with guilty consciences? I’m really limited in terms of materials, and no one will turn the pages of Illuminatus for me.”
Later on, Deavan can’t decide whether she wants to be mad about a non-issue, or make a non-issue into one. She opts for the latter, and decides Jihoon’s past is now even more scandalous than the present. She sits down with Jihoon for a dinner of sulk vs. scowl, and confesses that she raided his spank bank, and thinks masturbating is cheating…because it’s 1893 and she’s been living in Utah since the covered wagon days. Someone put her back on the Oregon Trail, please.
Jihoon says that every time Deavan has sex she gets pregnant, so their intimacy is mostly looking at each other with scorn. He’s perfectly fine ejaculating without witnesses, but Deavan calls this cheating, because that’s what Better Homes and Gardens said in this 1954 edition of their seminal publication. “If you find evidence of wanking on the floor, your husband has had an abortion,” Millie Petterbottom wrote. “It’s your duty to abandon your ambrosia salad and call the police.”
I support Deavan’s right to peace out on sex as long as her body demands it, or an admission that changing the diapers of a man-baby kills any chance of a lady boner. But placing wanking on a no list creates Proud Boys, and can Deavan really handle that many American flags on a single Ford F-150? Think of that flapping sound!
Jihoon agrees to delete his nude selfie collection from his phone, since he has it on the cloud anyway, and hopes that this will ward off Deavan until she cooks up a new complaint. It doesn’t take long, since Jihoon also admits that he’s cheated on a girlfriend before, after they didn’t have sex after two or three months, which is 80% of the time they were dating. Deavan declares, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” and she has an entire book of these absolutes gathered from faithful absorption of Wendy Williams. Come on TLC, don’t you have any footage of these two kissing, holding hands, joking, looking at each other adoringly, snuggling, anything?
“They only film me complaining,” Deavan sulks. “It’s almost like my face is stuck this way. Is my face stuck this way mom?”
“No,” Mother Deavan insists, because her face is also stuck this way.
Sumit, the dude who cheated on his wife, catfished Jenny, and then maintained an extramarital affair on television, would like us to believe his ex-wife is a villain. He’s at court, and five hours later Sumit is divorced, and he calls Jenny so that she can celebrate and have no concern for other people, ever. Sumit is now technically single, and all he has to do is convince his family that they should allow him to marry someone older than themselves, since he’d also like to retire.
They sit down and talk, and Sumit’s father wonders if he’s planning to, you know, do something to pay off this debt. Sumit says he’s busy working a handful of hours as a chef and using Jenny as an excuse, while she pays all the bills with 90DF coin. Father Sumit wonders if he knows how paying debt works, and reminds him he’s asked every relative within three hundred miles to assist with this. So later on he visits a friend who may have a job for him, and he balks at a $100 a week salary, which is more than a $0 a week salary, but Sumit isn’t known for his work ethic. He accepts the offer, and wonders how Jenny will react to him being away so often, when they’re supposed to be together forever in a Room 104 way.
In Hellfire, Jordan, Yazan looks downright gaunt and like he hasn’t slept in weeks, and is still battling the consequences of being engaged to someone who never intends to marry him. People in Yazan’s family are circulating rumors that he and Brittany already live together, were secretly married, and have had seks (on film, no less). They suspect this because it’s basically true — she’s just not secretly married to Yazan.
Already estranged from his father and now facing condemnation from the rest of his family, Yazan goes to meet his brother, Obaida, hoping he’ll intervene on his behalf. He says Brittany is visiting this week, and plans to stay just long enough for this entire farce to blow up in his face. Obaida points out that Brittany is still posting scandalous photos on IG every single day, while he sits here like a chump working twenty jobs to send her his spare change for airfare. Yazan still pleads with Obaida to advocate for him, and to convince his father that he’s a good Muslim who would never betray his family. Obaida agrees because he misses Yazan, but he thinks Brittany is bullshit and Yazan is getting played, because facts matter to him.
This intervention doesn’t go so well, as Yazan’s father shows Obaida a pic from the good side of Britt’s ass, and it’s obvious that she has no plans to abandon her former life. Yazan’s father feels his dignity has been destroyed after a lifetime of developing a good reputation, and that Brit is a porn star. He tells Obaida that if he sees Yazan and he marries Brittany, he will kill him, which is a level of family turmoil 90DF hasn’t tickled the edges of yet. When Obaida reports back, Yazan is shook by his father’s threat, but doesn’t want to give up Brittany, because he’s working so often his brain is plagued by the special psychosis of sleep deprivation.
Over in Dontgiveafuck, FL, Brittany’s playland where braces are a means of recruiting rich men to fund your bank account, Britt’s eager to prove her commitment to Yazan by getting on an airplane wearing a tequila t-shirt. Dad says he’s not keen to meet Yazan’s family, since they haven’t welcomed Brittany, and she says there’s really no need to rush out and price airfare or anything, trust me. She further assures him by saying that she’s traveling with her friend Angela, so she has someone to talk to when she steps over Yazan’s warm corpse. She doesn’t want to be pushed into a second marriage (despite the fact that she agreed to one), and insists Yazan’s getting more independent, and his parents won’t be a problem, because they’re estranged, and that’s apparently a resolution now. Britt’s father points out that Yazan’s abandoning his whole family, which is not a small thing to do, and it could be held over her head for the remaining two weeks of their relationships.
On her way to the airport, Yazan sends Britt a photo of his crashed car, and blames her for it because he got it to increase her value? That smell is Yazan and Brittany being made for each other. Brittany reports that he warned her that he might not have a car, and she said it was fine, and they would just take taxis. This is even less believable than “I’m moving to Jordan.” Brittany says he’s always blaming her for shit, and Yazan says she’s selfish, and Britt says he’s selfish, and what have you done for me lately?, triggering an immediate invocation of Janet Jackson. Brittany insists everything he’s done is for himself, because apparently he was gunning for independence when he was working for his dad and living in the family home? Yazan keeps yelling, and says if she wants anything don’t ask him for it, and Britt tells him to STFU. She worries Yazan will never change into an American, while Yazan worries she’ll never become a Muslim, and seriously, how did these two ever get together? 90DF teases that she won’t get on the flight, but she obviously does, so this isn’t even a Care Bears level of suspense.
Guess what? Melyza and Tim are having more issues than relationship, and for some reason we still have to watch them. Melyza isn’t really comfortable with (insert anything here), but is wiling to remind (insert name here) of her discomfort constantly, while participating in the behaviors that she objects to with (guy she doesn’t want to talk about until the Tell-All, when he will definitely be there). Mama Cheesestick and Aunt Carmen will soon arrive for a visit, and Cheesestick wonders if this is a good idea. Spoiler alert: it isn’t. Melyza wants Tim to keep the relationship she had when they were apart to himself, and she plans to not be around very much once mum is present. Since Tim came up with telling Melyza’s dad all on his own, it’s clear he sees atonement as simply reporting past sins to any party with ears. In other words, punching himself in the dick is kind of his thing.
Melyza looks back on their relationship, and an especially explosive fight post cheating scandal that involved screaming and yelling, and thrown objects. During this totally rational altercation, Mother Tim (who was present) took Melyza aside and told her to calm down or she’ll call the cops. This killed their cordial relationship, and Melyza is planning to sleep at a different house, far, far away from her hypothetical future in-laws.
“This is a great idea,” Ashley says. “Don’t forget to mention she’s brown. Is ICE a thing over there?”
“I don’t see the problem,” Debbie adds, “Clearly she’s out of control. I’M DONE!” (Slams door.)
Armando is filling out paperwork so that he and Kenny can be legally married. This will expedite citizenship, and allow Kenny to get a job sooner. Little did Kenny know that if he had just waited a month or two, he could have kept his old job and just done it in a closet wearing pajamas, like everyone else marooned on home office island.
Part of the application is a letter endorsing their own union, which both find offensive, because straights aren’t expected to explain their relationshits, and some of them have some explaining to do. Kenny seems to think they’ll ride a high of their cuteness into office, and be gifted a license by a charmed office worker. Armando, meanwhile, is anchored in awful reality.
A few short seconds after surrendering their IDs at the office, their application for marriage is rejected. Armando is confused, because the website clearly stated this is possible, and she explains that it’s legal-ish, in that the constitution says it’s legal, but they haven’t broken down how this law will be implemented. She tells them to go to the Human Rights Commission and make a complaint, while Kenny’s life force drains from his face. Her office apparently has a connection at the HRC, and thinks she can help get them a positive response faster.
“Grassy ass,”Kenny says, before admitting he feels discouraged, because he doesn’t want to have to fight to marry someone. Kenny has already lived through a lot of discrimination and the Reagan era, and is used to hearing no and that being the end of the story for twenty years. Armando is optimistic thanks to her offer of help, but Kenny sees endless issues as they prepare for marriage and a wedding, and wonders how many fights they’re going to have to fight just to be treated with dignity. Though he doesn’t say it, he must be thinking about how much better off they’d be in Florida, while nursing outrage that Angela somehow got married twice, and he can’t even coax out an approval.
Next time: Yazan imitates Brittany and announces her father was right before their second parking lot screaming match, Biniyam has to “work” and Avi is not okay with it, Mother Cheesestick tries to cancel her son’s would-be marriage, and Jenny learns that Sumit’s parents don’t approve of their relationship, because she missed that the first thousand times they said it.
Thank you, Patreon supporters, for hanging with me another month!
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