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Proposal: The Sia Foundation

Vision Statement

A common sentiment is brewing online; a shared desire for the internet that might have been. After decades of corporate encroachment, you don't need to be a power user to realize that something has gone very wrong.
In the early days of the internet, the future was bright. In that future, when you sent an instant message, it traveled directly to the recipient. When you needed to pay a friend, you announced a transfer of value to their public key. When an app was missing a feature you wanted, you opened up the source code and implemented it. When you took a picture on your phone, it was immediately encrypted and backed up to storage that you controlled. In that future, people would laugh at the idea of having to authenticate themselves to some corporation before doing these things.
What did we get instead? Rather than a network of human-sized communities, we have a handful of enormous commons, each controlled by a faceless corporate entity. Hey user, want to send a message? You can, but we'll store a copy of it indefinitely, unencrypted, for our preference-learning algorithms to pore over; how else could we slap targeted ads on every piece of content you see? Want to pay a friend? You can—in our Monopoly money. Want a new feature? Submit a request to our Support Center and we'll totally maybe think about it. Want to backup a photo? You can—inside our walled garden, which only we (and the NSA, of course) can access. Just be careful what you share, because merely locking you out of your account and deleting all your data is far from the worst thing we could do.
You rationalize this: "MEGACORP would never do such a thing; it would be bad for business." But we all know, at some level, that this state of affairs, this inversion of power, is not merely "unfortunate" or "suboptimal" – No. It is degrading. Even if MEGACORP were purely benevolent, it is degrading that we must ask its permission to talk to our friends; that we must rely on it to safeguard our treasured memories; that our digital lives are completely beholden to those who seek only to extract value from us.
At the root of this issue is the centralization of data. MEGACORP can surveil you—because your emails and video chats flow through their servers. And MEGACORP can control you—because they hold your data hostage. But centralization is a solution to a technical problem: How can we make the user's data accessible from anywhere in the world, on any device? For a long time, no alternative solution to this problem was forthcoming.
Today, thanks to a confluence of established techniques and recent innovations, we have solved the accessibility problem without resorting to centralization. Hashing, encryption, and erasure encoding got us most of the way, but one barrier remained: incentives. How do you incentivize an anonymous stranger to store your data? Earlier protocols like BitTorrent worked around this limitation by relying on altruism, tit-for-tat requirements, or "points" – in other words, nothing you could pay your electric bill with. Finally, in 2009, a solution appeared: Bitcoin. Not long after, Sia was born.
Cryptography has unleashed the latent power of the internet by enabling interactions between mutually-distrustful parties. Sia harnesses this power to turn the cloud storage market into a proper marketplace, where buyers and sellers can transact directly, with no intermediaries, anywhere in the world. No more silos or walled gardens: your data is encrypted, so it can't be spied on, and it's stored on many servers, so no single entity can hold it hostage. Thanks to projects like Sia, the internet is being re-decentralized.
Sia began its life as a startup, which means it has always been subjected to two competing forces: the ideals of its founders, and the profit motive inherent to all businesses. Its founders have taken great pains to never compromise on the former, but this often threatened the company's financial viability. With the establishment of the Sia Foundation, this tension is resolved. The Foundation, freed of the obligation to generate profit, is a pure embodiment of the ideals from which Sia originally sprung.
The goals and responsibilities of the Foundation are numerous: to maintain core Sia protocols and consensus code; to support developers building on top of Sia and its protocols; to promote Sia and facilitate partnerships in other spheres and communities; to ensure that users can easily acquire and safely store siacoins; to develop network scalability solutions; to implement hardforks and lead the community through them; and much more. In a broader sense, its mission is to commoditize data storage, making it cheap, ubiquitous, and accessible to all, without compromising privacy or performance.
Sia is a perfect example of how we can achieve better living through cryptography. We now begin a new chapter in Sia's history. May our stewardship lead it into a bright future.
 

Overview

Today, we are proposing the creation of the Sia Foundation: a new non-profit entity that builds and supports distributed cloud storage infrastructure, with a specific focus on the Sia storage platform. What follows is an informal overview of the Sia Foundation, covering two major topics: how the Foundation will be funded, and what its funds will be used for.

Organizational Structure

The Sia Foundation will be structured as a non-profit entity incorporated in the United States, likely a 501(c)(3) organization or similar. The actions of the Foundation will be constrained by its charter, which formalizes the specific obligations and overall mission outlined in this document. The charter will be updated on an annual basis to reflect the current goals of the Sia community.
The organization will be operated by a board of directors, initially comprising Luke Champine as President and Eddie Wang as Chairman. Luke Champine will be leaving his position at Nebulous to work at the Foundation full-time, and will seek to divest his shares of Nebulous stock along with other potential conflicts of interest. Neither Luke nor Eddie personally own any siafunds or significant quantities of siacoin.

Funding

The primary source of funding for the Foundation will come from a new block subsidy. Following a hardfork, 30 KS per block will be allocated to the "Foundation Fund," continuing in perpetuity. The existing 30 KS per block miner reward is not affected. Additionally, one year's worth of block subsidies (approximately 1.57 GS) will be allocated to the Fund immediately upon activation of the hardfork.
As detailed below, the Foundation will provably burn any coins that it cannot meaningfully spend. As such, the 30 KS subsidy should be viewed as a maximum. This allows the Foundation to grow alongside Sia without requiring additional hardforks.
The Foundation will not be funded to any degree by the possession or sale of siafunds. Siafunds were originally introduced as a means of incentivizing growth, and we still believe in their effectiveness: a siafund holder wants to increase the amount of storage on Sia as much as possible. While the Foundation obviously wants Sia to succeed, its driving force should be its charter. Deriving significant revenue from siafunds would jeopardize the Foundation's impartiality and focus. Ultimately, we want the Foundation to act in the best interests of Sia, not in growing its own budget.

Responsibilities

The Foundation inherits a great number of responsibilities from Nebulous. Each quarter, the Foundation will publish the progress it has made over the past quarter, and list the responsibilities it intends to prioritize over the coming quarter. This will be accompanied by a financial report, detailing each area of expenditure over the past quarter, and forecasting expenditures for the coming quarter. Below, we summarize some of the myriad responsibilities towards which the Foundation is expected to allocate its resources.

Maintain and enhance core Sia software

Arguably, this is the most important responsibility of the Foundation. At the heart of Sia is its consensus algorithm: regardless of other differences, all Sia software must agree upon the content and rules of the blockchain. It is therefore crucial that the algorithm be stewarded by an entity that is accountable to the community, transparent in its decision-making, and has no profit motive or other conflicts of interest.
Accordingly, Sia’s consensus functionality will no longer be directly maintained by Nebulous. Instead, the Foundation will release and maintain an implementation of a "minimal Sia full node," comprising the Sia consensus algorithm and P2P networking code. The source code will be available in a public repository, and signed binaries will be published for each release.
Other parties may use this code to provide alternative full node software. For example, Nebulous may extend the minimal full node with wallet, renter, and host functionality. The source code of any such implementation may be submitted to the Foundation for review. If the code passes review, the Foundation will provide "endorsement signatures" for the commit hash used and for binaries compiled internally by the Foundation. Specifically, these signatures assert that the Foundation believes the software contains no consensus-breaking changes or other modifications to imported Foundation code. Endorsement signatures and Foundation-compiled binaries may be displayed and distributed by the receiving party, along with an appropriate disclaimer.
A minimal full node is not terribly useful on its own; the wallet, renter, host, and other extensions are what make Sia a proper developer platform. Currently, the only implementations of these extensions are maintained by Nebulous. The Foundation will contract Nebulous to ensure that these extensions continue to receive updates and enhancements. Later on, the Foundation intends to develop its own implementations of these extensions and others. As with the minimal node software, these extensions will be open source and available in public repositories for use by any Sia node software.
With the consensus code now managed by the Foundation, the task of implementing and orchestrating hardforks becomes its responsibility as well. When the Foundation determines that a hardfork is necessary (whether through internal discussion or via community petition), a formal proposal will be drafted and submitted for public review, during which arguments for and against the proposal may be submitted to a public repository. During this time, the hardfork code will be implemented, either by Foundation employees or by external contributors working closely with the Foundation. Once the implementation is finished, final arguments will be heard. The Foundation board will then vote whether to accept or reject the proposal, and announce their decision along with appropriate justification. Assuming the proposal was accepted, the Foundation will announce the block height at which the hardfork will activate, and will subsequently release source code and signed binaries that incorporate the hardfork code.
Regardless of the Foundation's decision, it is the community that ultimately determines whether a fork is accepted or rejected – nothing can change that. Foundation node software will never automatically update, so all forks must be explicitly adopted by users. Furthermore, the Foundation will provide replay and wipeout protection for its hard forks, protecting other chains from unintended or malicious reorgs. Similarly, the Foundation will ensure that any file contracts formed prior to a fork activation will continue to be honored on both chains until they expire.
Finally, the Foundation also intends to pursue scalability solutions for the Sia blockchain. In particular, work has already begun on an implementation of Utreexo, which will greatly reduce the space requirements of fully-validating nodes (allowing a full node to be run on a smartphone) while increasing throughput and decreasing initial sync time. A hardfork implementing Utreexo will be submitted to the community as per the process detailed above.
As this is the most important responsibility of the Foundation, it will receive a significant portion of the Foundation’s budget, primarily in the form of developer salaries and contracting agreements.

Support community services

We intend to allocate 25% of the Foundation Fund towards the community. This allocation will be held and disbursed in the form of siacoins, and will pay for grants, bounties, hackathons, and other community-driven endeavours.
Any community-run service, such as a Skynet portal, explorer or web wallet, may apply to have its costs covered by the Foundation. Upon approval, the Foundation will reimburse expenses incurred by the service, subject to the exact terms agreed to. The intent of these grants is not to provide a source of income, but rather to make such services "break even" for their operators, so that members of the community can enrich the Sia ecosystem without worrying about the impact on their own finances.

Ensure easy acquisition and storage of siacoins

Most users will acquire their siacoins via an exchange. The Foundation will provide support to Sia-compatible exchanges, and pursue relevant integrations at its discretion, such as Coinbase's new Rosetta standard. The Foundation may also release DEX software that enables trading cryptocurrencies without the need for a third party. (The Foundation itself will never operate as a money transmitter.)
Increasingly, users are storing their cryptocurrency on hardware wallets. The Foundation will maintain the existing Ledger Nano S integration, and pursue further integrations at its discretion.
Of course, all hardware wallets must be paired with software running on a computer or smartphone, so the Foundation will also develop and/or maintain client-side wallet software, including both full-node wallets and "lite" wallets. Community-operated wallet services, i.e. web wallets, may be funded via grants.
Like core software maintenance, this responsibility will be funded in the form of developer salaries and contracting agreements.

Protect the ecosystem

When it comes to cryptocurrency security, patching software vulnerabilities is table stakes; there are significant legal and social threats that we must be mindful of as well. As such, the Foundation will earmark a portion of its fund to defend the community from legal action. The Foundation will also safeguard the network from 51% attacks and other threats to network security by implementing softforks and/or hardforks where necessary.
The Foundation also intends to assist in the development of a new FOSS software license, and to solicit legal memos on various Sia-related matters, such as hosting in the United States and the EU.
In a broader sense, the establishment of the Foundation makes the ecosystem more robust by transferring core development to a more neutral entity. Thanks to its funding structure, the Foundation will be immune to various forms of pressure that for-profit companies are susceptible to.

Drive adoption of Sia

Although the overriding goal of the Foundation is to make Sia the best platform it can be, all that work will be in vain if no one uses the platform. There are a number of ways the Foundation can promote Sia and get it into the hands of potential users and developers.
In-person conferences are understandably far less popular now, but the Foundation can sponsor and/or participate in virtual conferences. (In-person conferences may be held in the future, permitting circumstances.) Similarly, the Foundation will provide prizes for hackathons, which may be organized by community members, Nebulous, or the Foundation itself. Lastly, partnerships with other companies in the cryptocurrency space—or the cloud storage space—are a great way to increase awareness of Sia. To handle these responsibilities, one of the early priorities of the Foundation will be to hire a marketing director.

Fund Management

The Foundation Fund will be controlled by a multisig address. Each member of the Foundation's board will control one of the signing keys, with the signature threshold to be determined once the final composition of the board is known. (This threshold may also be increased or decreased if the number of board members changes.) Additionally, one timelocked signing key will be controlled by David Vorick. This key will act as a “dead man’s switch,” to be used in the event of an emergency that prevents Foundation board members from reaching the signature threshold. The timelock ensures that this key cannot be used unless the Foundation fails to sign a transaction for several months.
On the 1st of each month, the Foundation will use its keys to transfer all siacoins in the Fund to two new addresses. The first address will be controlled by a high-security hot wallet, and will receive approximately one month's worth of Foundation expenditures. The second address, receiving the remaining siacoins, will be a modified version of the source address: specifically, it will increase the timelock on David Vorick's signing key by one month. Any other changes to the set of signing keys, such as the arrival or departure of board members, will be incorporated into this address as well.
The Foundation Fund is allocated in SC, but many of the Foundation's expenditures must be paid in USD or other fiat currency. Accordingly, the Foundation will convert, at its discretion, a portion of its monthly withdrawals to fiat currency. We expect this conversion to be primarily facilitated by private "OTC" sales to accredited investors. The Foundation currently has no plans to speculate in cryptocurrency or other assets.
Finally, it is important that the Foundation adds value to the Sia platform well in excess of the inflation introduced by the block subsidy. For this reason, the Foundation intends to provably burn, on a quarterly basis, any coins that it cannot allocate towards any justifiable expense. In other words, coins will be burned whenever doing so provides greater value to the platform than any other use. Furthermore, the Foundation will cap its SC treasury at 5% of the total supply, and will cap its USD treasury at 4 years’ worth of predicted expenses.
 
Addendum: Hardfork Timeline
We would like to see this proposal finalized and accepted by the community no later than September 30th. A new version of siad, implementing the hardfork, will be released no later than October 15th. The hardfork will activate at block 293220, which is expected to occur around 12pm EST on January 1st, 2021.
 
Addendum: Inflation specifics
The total supply of siacoins as of January 1st, 2021 will be approximately 45.243 GS. The initial subsidy of 1.57 GS thus increases the supply by 3.47%, and the total annual inflation in 2021 will be at most 10.4% (if zero coins are burned). In 2022, total annual inflation will be at most 6.28%, and will steadily decrease in subsequent years.
 

Conclusion

We see the establishment of the Foundation as an important step in the maturation of the Sia project. It provides the ecosystem with a sustainable source of funding that can be exclusively directed towards achieving Sia's ambitious goals. Compared to other projects with far deeper pockets, Sia has always punched above its weight; once we're on equal footing, there's no telling what we'll be able to achieve.
Nevertheless, we do not propose this change lightly, and have taken pains to ensure that the Foundation will act in accordance with the ideals that this community shares. It will operate transparently, keep inflation to a minimum, and respect the user's fundamental role in decentralized systems. We hope that everyone in the community will consider this proposal carefully, and look forward to a productive discussion.
submitted by lukechampine to siacoin

5

A place you might find yourself.

You might not remember how you got there.
Where you were coming from or where you were going.
Sometimes you get a warning that you'll be taken there and sometimes your eyelids will flutter and you'll arrive there without warning. You might visit this place often and be intimately familiar with its inner workings. You might make it decades into your life before you ever see the place. Hell, you might not even realize you're there sometimes. You might tell yourself that you aren't, that you're completely fine.
At least, that's how it is for me. I often wonder if the place looks the same to other people if it feels the same. I know other people go there, I see it all over. I see people talk about it on internet forums and hear about it through distant chatter in supermarkets. So many people go there, some people have it so bad when they go there that, sometimes they just don't get out. I worry that when I go there, I won't make it out.
When I sit with that worry, I am so afraid of the calming comfort it provides me, but the lump that forms in my throat when I think of my friends and family hurts so bad. It stings and I end up hating myself for even considering that simple warmth, for being so selfish. Sometimes that thought alone is enough to bring me there.
I went there a few days ago, I think that's why I'm writing this. I saw someone about the place and they told me it might be beneficial to write about the experience. So here I am, admittedly tearing up a little but I have to get through it. That's kinda the point of the place anyways, just trying to find a way to get through it. I think.
It was one of those times I could feel the place creeping up on me but I thought if I just tried hard enough I could outrun it. I was driving. Driving always makes me so nervous. I'm a good driver and I've never gotten into an accident but I get these thoughts. I'm told they're intrusive thoughts and everyone gets them but they're so horrid.
I imagine taking my hands off the wheel at a busy intersection and the world just goes quiet as I blow through a red light. Or I see myself pushing the gas down and pulling off the road, wrapping the front of my car around a pole or tree. I see myself, head laying on the dashboard watching the world go dim outside of a broken windshield. Those thoughts, I hate them. I despise that my brain can conjure such painful and unforgiving imagery.
My hands were starting to get sweaty gripping the steering wheel, I didn't realize how tightly I was grabbing it until I glimpsed the altered shade of skin on my knuckles. It was foggy out, hard to see too far in front of me and the only landscape I could observe were the scarce trees at the side of the road. I felt so isolated, that feeling is so ever-present in that place.
I knew it was coming and I couldn't stop it. My chest was heavy. Trembling hands pulled the key from the ignition, my focus shifted all over the car. It was coming at me like a freight train and I was powerless to stop its monstrous advance. Sitting up straight in my seat I could feel the waves watching over me. They grew and grew until it felt like I had been hit my some cinematic tsunami the washed away all the will I had to avoid that place.
And just like that, I was back there again.
I opened my eyes slowly, I didn't remember them ever being closed but that place will do that to you. A forest, I sat in a small clearing surrounded by trees so thin and tall it was any wonder they had the strength to grow so high. That they were able to pierce the gray sky above. The trees always start so thin.
Pulling myself to my feet I looked around. I knew the place well, I had been there several times before but being there never feels right. It isn't supposed to feel right. The way the trees seemed to be scorched black as if each one had been tormented by strokes of lightning. The way the ground was so littered with leaves so red they felt digitally altered, yet none of the trees ever seemed to have leaves clinging to them.
Sometimes I'm not sure what to do when I first arrive there, what direction to begin walking in or if I should just stay put and collect myself. This time though, I suppose I decided to start walking though I don't remember making that choice. I hoped I would be able to escape easily this time, there are times when it's so hard to get out and I feel like I'm stuck there for days but there are brief moments of respite when the forest is only small and I spend just a few minutes.
Though it became apparent this would be a tough visit when I heard a voice whistle through the trees carried by a wind I couldn't feel. Words that carried doubt and struggle flooded into my head when that motionless wind struck me. The voice is mean, an unkind torrent of words but they always seem to pain me, even if I know them untrue.
The voice tells me I won't make it out this time. If it was just the one voice I think I would be okay but the further I walk I hear others. Similar messages but different words and tones. Each of these statements feels like a creature gnawing away at my calves, trying to drag me to the raspberry leaves below my feet. Trying to get me to yield to the place.
“You'll never be good enough.”
“You've wasted so much time not trying.”
“You aren't talented, people are just nice to you, they feel bad for you.”
“You should stay here.”
“Stay here, you're useless out there.”
It's like the air there is different, it is so hard to catch your breath walking through the trees uncertain of direction. Every bit of that place is designed to make you feel tired and powerless to pull away from it. The whole place is like an ecosystem, some large creation that thrives of the suffering it provides you.
As I continued to walk the trees grew larger and the spaces between them got tighter, the leaves on the ground piled up and became denser. Placing my hand on the trees for the support I pull myself through smaller spaces and waded through resilient foliage. The voices get louder and meaner until they almost take on a physical form, wrapping around me like tendrils pulling back to impede my advance.
I just wanted to get out, I didn't want to be there anymore. It's so tiring though, I can't help but think about letting the forest floor take me. It would be so easy wouldn't it? To lay down on a soft bed of leaves and slip away. Wonder what would happen then, I wonder what the figures the watch me in that place would do.
Dark silhouettes, vague shapes of humans that can only be spotted briefly in between the trees, the further you go the more of them you can see. They just watch, I wonder often what is like for them in that place. Where they the figures of those before me that simply were unable to make it out of the forest. Is that life easier? Is it better to just exist as nothing more than a passing memory than it is to escape knowing you'll return someday?
The spaces between the trees were getting so small, I don't think I had ever seen them get so small before. I thought about the isolation I had felt in my car mere moments ago, I thought about myself sitting there alone. How long would it have been before another car came along, would they stop for me? Would they look for me after finding the car empty, would they ever be able to reach me in that place? Could anyone?
Reaching my arm through the gaps between trees I placed my hand firmly on the tree and began to pull myself through. I could feel my clothing being dragged by the ragged bark of the tree, clinging to each imperfection. My arm shook, pulling my torso through, I felt such an overwhelming weakness as my stomach cleared the opening. I couldn't say how long I had been in there but once my body was clear of that opening I knew I was spent.
My body crashed to the forest floor kicking up a plume of red leaves around me. It was soft though, almost welcoming. Half of me was swallowed up by the sea of leaves that accumulated during my advance. The other half offered me a vision of the forest before me. There was more darkness than there were gaps between said darkness. Light teetered out until it was nothing but trees.
I was still but I could feel a great trembling as I laid there. There I realized that the trees and the figures that watch you are one and the same, I'm not sure I ever caught onto that before. The beings were tall and shifting. They shuffled forward responding to my thoughts. Thoughts about how maybe this time I'll just stay there.
It felt so nice, the comfort of the leaves felt like finally getting to lay on your bed after days away from it. Moving my arm I gently grabbed one of the leaves and held it in front of my vision blocking out the trees behind it. My arm, what had I done to my arms? Small lines of raised skin ran up my forearm, almost like tally marks counting the times I had gone to this place.
My mother was so terribly angry when she saw my records. I thought a lot about my mother laying there. Turning onto my stomach I looked at the trees before me, the space between them seemed impossible to conquer. I thought that I should try, that if I was just going to let myself lay there and rot then I should just give it a shot.
As I got onto my knees I could feel the forest floor attempting to resist me. I heard the voices grow louder and more violent. Even the trees seemed to bend above, reaching down towards me. Determined, I moved forward, eyeing the gap between the trees. Reaching my hand through I grabbed the other side of the trunk and braced.
Pulling against the forest’s will I pulled forward. I could see it just barely, the other side of this place, I could see light. I so wanted to be in that light. The leaves below me started to rush, flowing away from the exit like a river. God no, no I couldn't let it take me back. I wanted to fight, I pleaded for the chance to fight. Fingernails dug into the tree trunk in defiance, I didn't care if my fingernails were pried away from my skin, I pulled.
Gritting my teeth I strained every muscle I had. With my head through I reached back with my free hand and emptied my pockets so nothing got caught on the gap. Throwing my cellphone and wallet over my head and into the clearing inches away from me I continued to pull. Please, one inch after the other that's all I needed.
My chest once again cleared the gap. I could make it, I could make it. That's when the trees closed in, intense pain shot through my body originating at my stomach. The trees or the figures had shifted and closed in on me. I fought as hard as I could. Shoes dug into the ground behind me trying to find purchase. Fingers clawed at the dirt in front of me desperately trying to clear the forest. And the forest grew silent, giving way for a voice, just one voice to reach me in a final attempt to keep me in that place.
“You're going to live a long life if you leave. And you'll have nothing to show for it. You're going to let yourself and those close to you downtime and time again. You're better off here, they're better off if you're here.”
The tendrils accompanying those words were fierce. I think it's because that voice sounded so similar to my own, I had never heard myself be so mean before though so I almost didn't recognize it but deep down. I know it was my words. My voice. I and the place had both played our final cards to end the struggle one way or the other.
I could see myself, head laying limp on the dashboard looking out at the world through a broken windshield. Fragments of glass laying on the black hood of my car like little stars twinkling under sunlight. I could see myself in the car, motionless, stuck in this damn forest. Were those words true, is that how I felt? I want to make my friends and family proud of me, I want to help them when they need help, I don't want to disappoint them.
Would making them suffer one great sorrow alleviate a lifetime of small grief? I felt my body going limp, my mind going blank staring at visions of myself. The forest, that place I found myself time and time again, I think I was ready to rest. It's a scary thought but I had tried, I did. I fought and it just wasn't enough. I was sorry but, that place won. I would fade and make up the trees for another.
That's what I think it wants, like a virus it takes you and before long someone close to you visits, and the cycle is continued. This great march through the place is a never-ending one. I had only wished at that moment I had the strength to say goodbye. To tell everyone that it was my fault, that I just wasn't strong enough. But I had nothing left, so I prepared to be eaten by that place. To fade.
“Sweetie, are you there?”
The voice, I knew it, I thought it was coming from the forest but when I raised my head I saw my phone screen light up. A call that had begun just seconds ago, on the screen read “Mom.”
“Are you okay?” I stared at the screen for a moment. Breathing being caught by the clamping of the trees. When had I called her? When did I reach out? “It's okay baby, you don't need to talk, I'm here okay, I'm here for you.” Her words offered a chill. I felt my eyes getting hot, I felt the fog dissipating around me. The isolation, lifting.
I lowered my head to the dirt and pressed against it letting hot tears pour from my tightly shut eyes. Letting my mouth contort in ugly and twisted shows of pain, letting my heaving breath come out in awkward and uncertain breaths. A mixture of trying to hold in tears and realizing that they were okay to let out.
“Mom-” I trembled through struggling breath. “I don't think I'm doing so well right now.” I blurted out. Rolling over, feeling the grass around me. My body moving around as if conducted my spurts of mental uncertainty.
“It's okay, I'm here, let it out.” She replied. How were her words so soft, it felt like she was laying there with me. I opened my mouth, clutched the ground, and as she said, let it out. Everything I had been building up exploded from between my lips. A howl I never knew I was capable of. A mammoth of a wailing shook the tears clinging to my cheeks.
The forest, that place shredded apart. Trees thinned and faded from view, leafs lifted and flew far far away. The only voice was my own, overpowering and strong. My throat was going rasp but it felt so good. Heat in my chest igniting as I brought my fist down on the soft grass over and over and then, truly my energy was spent.
I laid a long time looking at the phone, listening to my mother, offering a responds whenever I was able. Eventually, I got up and made it to the car, after I had managed to calm down though I'm not sure how long it took. My mother stayed on the line as I drove, making sure to keep small and innocent conversation.
I'm not foolish. The forest isn't gone. I will return to that place someday. That place doesn't just leave you. Sometimes you can make it easier to escape but its always there. It's hard to know how to get out sometimes. Even harder when you believe you have to make it out all by yourself. But there are so many people who have been there.
So many people have visited that place. Some people can be your guide and some people can just be there for you, even if they've never been there themselves. You're not alone and you are not weak. The place pulls you in, it's like a poison you can't pull from yourself.
There are ways to make it easier though. To find your way through the trees. You can reach out to a friend, family member, or hell even a stranger. If you need to, you can reach out to me. I've been there. Over and over again I've been there and if I can help you. Even if you just need someone to listen, someone can do that for you.
Don't feel ashamed or lesser because you've seen those trees and felt the leaves beneath your feet, you are wonderful. Fighting against that forest is hard but it is brave, you must be one hell of a person to still be here when you've seen that place. Even if you haven't been there yourself, to help and understand those that have is monumental.
I hate when people get preachy, I know. But the fog will lift, the gaps will widen and the voices can be silenced. It's never easy, it's not meant to be easy. When you're in that place though you are not alone.
You are loved.
Just please keep walking, keep fighting, I want to see the wonderful things you can accomplish on the other side. And when the trees feel too hard to get through and you feel like you don't have the energy to fight anymore.
Please.
Reach out.
submitted by AuthorJoJo to nosleep